Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
The power of my boobs compel you
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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