Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
