New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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