Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
