I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
