guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
she woke up with a sticky ear
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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