____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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