when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
