After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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