Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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