im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
A bitchslap is in order.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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