Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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