Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
