They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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