she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
