the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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