I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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