I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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