You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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