I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
