I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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