Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
40s are totally the cure
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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