Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
