Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
