Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
