A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
no. you can't hotbox the world.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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