i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
