Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
