yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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