I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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