Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize