the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
