my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
So gin and wine won't be happening again
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize