Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
