didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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