Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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