3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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