Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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