Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize