if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
