I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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