Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Randomize
