hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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