God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
