I don't think brook has ever known best
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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