two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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