my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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