Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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