when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
