i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
