Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
