She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
pop tarts are not kleenex
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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