my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
