You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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