i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
