never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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