did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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