i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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